All right, ladies. It’s time to get personal.
As an addict, I tend to be an “all or nothing” kind of person. And I’m not just referring to sex or food or alcohol or shopping, even though each of those things can be a struggle for me. Moderation in any realm of my life is just plain difficult and even elusive to me sometimes. My house is either a dump or it looks ready for a magazine shoot. I avoid reading books altogether or shirk my responsibilities to read a novel (or series of novels) in one giant gulp. I don’t check my e-mail for days or I surf the net for hours at a time. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
So, balance is a tricky subject for me. It has been particularly so when it comes to my recovery. You see, I remember what it was like being completely engulfed and controlled by my addiction and I do not want to go back there ever again! As they say, I am willing to do whatever it takes to recover. But of course, even recovery work can get out of proper proportion in my life.
What that has looked like for me is that I go to trauma therapy twice a week, meet regularly with two sponsors from two different fellowships (one, to work on the steps and one to do inner child work together), I attend meetings every day (sometimes more than one if I do a phone meeting), I chair a beginners meeting each week, I go regularly to my local detox to facilitate meetings, I sponsor two women, I do regular step work and readings at home and I am increasingly making phone calls to other female addicts. On top of that, I have five kids, a job, a house to manage and other responsibilities. Oh yeah. And I write this blog.
I’m guessing that you might know where this is going. I’ll go there anyway…
Both of my sponsors and my therapist have recently told me the same thing: I need to slow down the recovery and healing work. What?! But I want to get better! I want peace and joy and relief and all of “the promises” to come true for me! And I want it now!
Ok. Deep breaths. Part of learning how to live free of addiction is learning balance. Patience. Following Good Orderly Direction. Trusting the process. And guess what? Learning to have fun! One of my sponsors says, “You didn’t get sober to be a martyr!” Good point. My husband says, “I am so proud of the work you’re doing, but…” (I’ll paraphrase here) “… you’re not fun anymore.” Ouch.
I’ve heard it said that we should take our recovery seriously, but we should take ourselves much less seriously. Lighten up, Sonora! Your addiction and past trauma used to enshroud you with depression and shame. But you don’t have to live like that anymore! You’re free! Start acting like it!
I have to make some hard choices. At first, I was directed to take a break from blogging, which I did. Now, I am back. It’s vitally important for me to provide the resources on this site to other women and their partners. So this Hope For Delilah is going nowhere. But I won’t necessarily be personally blogging on an every day basis. However, although they’ll be a little more spread out, I hope to be bringing you some very interesting posts in which I interview other female love/sex addicts/anorexics and our partners, as well as more step work, journal prompts, affirmations and ruminations from yours truly. I hope you stick with me. Thank you for being here thus far. You really do help keep me sober! I hope I help you as well.